Ask Dr. Buckingham – Should I Stay with my Confused and Cheating Partner?

Young woman fed up with the nonsense coming out of her boyfriend's mouth as he's trying to explain "what happened"

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’ve been with my significant other for 8 years. He asked me to marry him 2 years ago. Shortly after he began to cheat. We broke up and he moved out. He continued to see the person he cheated on me with, but within a week he said he wanted to get back together. I agreed, even though he got the other person pregnant. When he came back he claimed he was confused and didn’t know which one of us he wanted to be with, so I told him that the kids and I are moving out. He then said he wanted to be with me. I found out he was cheating prior because I went through his phone. When I decided to stay, I continued to look through his phone. He and the other person talks about marriage, and tell each other I love you, and flirts with each other. Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – How Can I tell if my Husband is Straight or Bi-sexual?

BlackMen

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

Have I been married to my husband for two years, but I am struggling because I do not know if I should remain in the marriage. We have a daughter and I love my husband, but we argue and fight a lot. He has called me a bitch and I have called him names as well. We really did not know each before we moved in together and got married. It might sound crazy, but I have learned to live with the arguing, but I am having a really difficult time living with the fact that I believe that my husband might be bi-sexual. Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – No Knocking the Boots for Me: How Do I Survive in a Sexless Marriage?

unhappy-couple-in-bed

Dear doctor,

I need your valuable professional advise for the situation I am in. I got married five years back and after a year I got divorced. One of the reasons for the divorce was there was no sex in our relationship. He ejaculated even before insertion. Our marriage didn’t work out. After 3 years, now I got remarried. It’s been just 5 months. My husband is a divorcee too. Unfortunately, he has no desire for sex. He did not even try to have sex with me for about a month after we got married. I initially thought that if he is not initiating, definitely there would be a valid reason for that. I trusted him very much. But then I realized, he is just killing the time and giving me excuses every other night like ” u know I am so tired” or ” I am jet lagged” (as we traveled from India to US after 15 days of our wedding). Then it started bothering me. I asked him strongly and he responded saying that sex is not important for him and he didn’t marry to have sex. It was shocking for me because I saw myself sailing in the same boat that I was in my first wedding. He has no excitement within himself for sex. He doesn’t touch me sexually. I have to initiate all the time. I have a fear that I have to live a married life without sex, as, in my first year of marriage itself I don’t have that sexual pleasure and intimacy that should normally be there. It takes a long time for erection and he does not engage himself in oral sex. Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – Living Single, but Looking for Commitment: Any Advice?

Hey Dr. Buckingham,

I am a 35-year-old single professional guy and I keep running into women who do not meet my expectations. I am looking for the total package. I am looking for a woman who is extremely attractive, humble, childless, down-to-earth, educated, professional like me, understands her worth and role, funny, feminine, spiritual and God-fearing, and freaky, but not in public. I understand that relationships are about giving and I want a woman who is willing to give me 100%.  I don’t think that I am asking too much. My last female friend told me that I want too much and I am not willing to give much. At times I can be reserved because I have been hurt before, but I am not settling.  Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – Baby Daddy Drama: Does Sperm Donation makes A Man A Father?

Absent-1

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am a single parent mother who is struggling to raise my three children, ages 3, 5 and 8. All of my children have the same father, but he does not act like a father to them. He stops by the house to see our children every other month. We argue and fight because I tell my children that they do not have a father. I know that this is not right, but I am tired of him disappointing my children by only showing up when he feels like being bothered. Read more

Three Reasons Why Ferguson is on Fire

FergusonFire

To understand why Ferguson is on Fire, you do not need a Ph.D. However, you do need to reflect and to allow your heart to guide your thoughts, words and actions. Given that we live in a democracy, every man and woman is entitled to express his or her opinion and I am simply sharing mine as a Black male.
Read more

A Grieving City and Front-line Leadership: Capt. Ron Johnson

 

CaptJohnsonandMe2014

Upon returning to my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri on August 20, 2014 to give back to my community and to support outstanding leaders like Capt. Ron Johnson, I experienced mixed emotions. On one hand, I felt proud, grateful and excited about being in a position to provide psycho-education to mourning individuals. On the other hand, I felt troubled, worried and disheartened. Read more

Black Economic Empowerment: “I Can” Speech

In celebration of Black History Month, I would like to share a speech that I recently gave at an event.

Here it is:

Throughout history, blacks have fought for economic equality and were inspired by an “I Can” attitude. The Black Economic Empowerment movement was designed to transform the economy to be representative of this diverse and great country. And our forefathers and mothers envisioned a world where you and I would acquire economic equality and one day stand with our heads held high and say with confidence and conviction “I Can”. Read more

How Does a Black Male Determine if His Life Is Meaningful?

Blackmales

I want to preface this article by telling you that I believe that every man’s life is significant regardless of his ethnic background. I am sharing my personal view as a Black male and do not claim to be a representative for all Black males. I provide this disclaimer up-front because I want this article to be read with a non-judgmental and empathic heart. I encourage individuals to seek to understand the Black male’s mind-set and plight before providing commentary or passing judgment.

In light of the recent George Zimmerman “Not Guilty” verdict, millions of Black males who look like Trayvon Martin are questioning their significance.

Throughout history Black males have lived with the disturbing assumption that our lives are insignificant and dispensable. Why? To help you better understand this mind-set, I would like you to join me as I take a historical review of the Black male’s plight in America.

Over the course of my educational journey, I have read countless stories about violence against Black males, but the seven stories that deeply shaped my mind-set about the meaning of my life as a Black male are listed below.

1. Nat Turner was lynched in Jerusalem, Virginia in 1831.
2. Lint Shaw was lynched in Royston, Georgia in 1936.
3. Emmitt Till was murdered on August 28, 1955 for whistling at a white woman.
4. Medgar Wiley Evers was murdered in Jackson, Mississippi in 1963.
5. James Meredith was shot in Mississippi in 1966.
6. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968.
7. Sean Bell was murdered in New York in 2006.

Learning about the suffering of other Black males helped me understand my pain and mind-set. The manner in which I currently view the importance of my life and that of other Black males has been passed down from generation to generation. Thoughts of being insignificant are so deeply-rooted in our minds that it invades the very fabric of our souls.

As I reflect on my personal experience of growing up in urban America, I am disheartened by the fact that violence has and continues to be a constant factor in how most Black males experience life.

Here are seven experiences that caused me to question the meaning of my life.

1. At age seven.  I was shot in the arm by mother’s ex-boyfriend while riding in a car.
2. At age ten. I saw a local drug dealer gunned down.
3. At age nineteen. I was robbed at gun point in broad daylight after visiting the library in downtown.
4. At age twenty-one. I attended my seventeen-year-old nephew’s funeral after he was gunned down while walking home from the store. No arrest was made.
5. At age twenty-two. I received a phone call informing me that one of my close friends was murdered during an attempted robbery.
6. At age twenty-three. I attended my thirty-four-year-old cousin’s funeral.
7. At age twenty-four. I received a phone call informing me that another close friend was shot during an attempted robbery.

The violence that I experienced and witnessed as I entered into manhood was the by-product of the suffering endured by Black males throughout history. Unfortunately, experiencing violence is a tragedy that continues to plague Black males and causes many of us to question the significance of our existence.

When asked “How Does a Black Male Determine if His Life is Meaningful?” I remind people that all individuals have a basic need to feel safe and secure. Black males, like others feel that their lives are meaningful when they are protected from violence and receive justice when victimized.

As we all strive to cope with historical and current injustices, we must not forget to address the psychological challenges experienced by Black males. We must provide resources to help them define and give meaning to their lives. To live life without an identity is as harsh as living life without a soul. Knowledge of self and why we exist provides a road map for living our lives and helps shape our souls.

Like many others who have died due to violence and experienced injustice, Trayvon Martin has become the identity of Black males and touched the soul of the Black community. We identify with his plight, pray for his family and will take action to ensure that all Black males are protected from violence. The safety and security needs of our youth must not go unmet.

Trayvon

If you or someone you know is struggling to understand the meaning of a Black male’s significance,  please secure a copy of my book “A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household“.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.