Ask Dr. Buckingham – How Can I tell if my Husband is Straight or Bi-sexual?

BlackMen

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

Have I been married to my husband for two years, but I am struggling because I do not know if I should remain in the marriage. We have a daughter and I love my husband, but we argue and fight a lot. He has called me a bitch and I have called him names as well. We really did not know each before we moved in together and got married. It might sound crazy, but I have learned to live with the arguing, but I am having a really difficult time living with the fact that I believe that my husband might be bi-sexual. Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – No Knocking the Boots for Me: How Do I Survive in a Sexless Marriage?

unhappy-couple-in-bed

Dear doctor,

I need your valuable professional advise for the situation I am in. I got married five years back and after a year I got divorced. One of the reasons for the divorce was there was no sex in our relationship. He ejaculated even before insertion. Our marriage didn’t work out. After 3 years, now I got remarried. It’s been just 5 months. My husband is a divorcee too. Unfortunately, he has no desire for sex. He did not even try to have sex with me for about a month after we got married. I initially thought that if he is not initiating, definitely there would be a valid reason for that. I trusted him very much. But then I realized, he is just killing the time and giving me excuses every other night like ” u know I am so tired” or ” I am jet lagged” (as we traveled from India to US after 15 days of our wedding). Then it started bothering me. I asked him strongly and he responded saying that sex is not important for him and he didn’t marry to have sex. It was shocking for me because I saw myself sailing in the same boat that I was in my first wedding. He has no excitement within himself for sex. He doesn’t touch me sexually. I have to initiate all the time. I have a fear that I have to live a married life without sex, as, in my first year of marriage itself I don’t have that sexual pleasure and intimacy that should normally be there. It takes a long time for erection and he does not engage himself in oral sex. Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – Living Single, but Looking for Commitment: Any Advice?

Hey Dr. Buckingham,

I am a 35-year-old single professional guy and I keep running into women who do not meet my expectations. I am looking for the total package. I am looking for a woman who is extremely attractive, humble, childless, down-to-earth, educated, professional like me, understands her worth and role, funny, feminine, spiritual and God-fearing, and freaky, but not in public. I understand that relationships are about giving and I want a woman who is willing to give me 100%.  I don’t think that I am asking too much. My last female friend told me that I want too much and I am not willing to give much. At times I can be reserved because I have been hurt before, but I am not settling.  Read more

Ask Dr. Buckingham – Baby Daddy Drama: Does Sperm Donation makes A Man A Father?

Absent-1

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am a single parent mother who is struggling to raise my three children, ages 3, 5 and 8. All of my children have the same father, but he does not act like a father to them. He stops by the house to see our children every other month. We argue and fight because I tell my children that they do not have a father. I know that this is not right, but I am tired of him disappointing my children by only showing up when he feels like being bothered. Read more

Three Reasons Why Ferguson is on Fire

FergusonFire

To understand why Ferguson is on Fire, you do not need a Ph.D. However, you do need to reflect and to allow your heart to guide your thoughts, words and actions. Given that we live in a democracy, every man and woman is entitled to express his or her opinion and I am simply sharing mine as a Black male.
Read more

A Grieving City and Front-line Leadership: Capt. Ron Johnson

 

CaptJohnsonandMe2014

Upon returning to my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri on August 20, 2014 to give back to my community and to support outstanding leaders like Capt. Ron Johnson, I experienced mixed emotions. On one hand, I felt proud, grateful and excited about being in a position to provide psycho-education to mourning individuals. On the other hand, I felt troubled, worried and disheartened. Read more

Black Economic Empowerment: “I Can” Speech

In celebration of Black History Month, I would like to share a speech that I recently gave at an event.

Here it is:

Throughout history, blacks have fought for economic equality and were inspired by an “I Can” attitude. The Black Economic Empowerment movement was designed to transform the economy to be representative of this diverse and great country. And our forefathers and mothers envisioned a world where you and I would acquire economic equality and one day stand with our heads held high and say with confidence and conviction “I Can”. Read more

How Does a Black Male Determine if His Life Is Meaningful?

Blackmales

I want to preface this article by telling you that I believe that every man’s life is significant regardless of his ethnic background. I am sharing my personal view as a Black male and do not claim to be a representative for all Black males. I provide this disclaimer up-front because I want this article to be read with a non-judgmental and empathic heart. I encourage individuals to seek to understand the Black male’s mind-set and plight before providing commentary or passing judgment.

In light of the recent George Zimmerman “Not Guilty” verdict, millions of Black males who look like Trayvon Martin are questioning their significance.

Throughout history Black males have lived with the disturbing assumption that our lives are insignificant and dispensable. Why? To help you better understand this mind-set, I would like you to join me as I take a historical review of the Black male’s plight in America.

Over the course of my educational journey, I have read countless stories about violence against Black males, but the seven stories that deeply shaped my mind-set about the meaning of my life as a Black male are listed below.

1. Nat Turner was lynched in Jerusalem, Virginia in 1831.
2. Lint Shaw was lynched in Royston, Georgia in 1936.
3. Emmitt Till was murdered on August 28, 1955 for whistling at a white woman.
4. Medgar Wiley Evers was murdered in Jackson, Mississippi in 1963.
5. James Meredith was shot in Mississippi in 1966.
6. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968.
7. Sean Bell was murdered in New York in 2006.

Learning about the suffering of other Black males helped me understand my pain and mind-set. The manner in which I currently view the importance of my life and that of other Black males has been passed down from generation to generation. Thoughts of being insignificant are so deeply-rooted in our minds that it invades the very fabric of our souls.

As I reflect on my personal experience of growing up in urban America, I am disheartened by the fact that violence has and continues to be a constant factor in how most Black males experience life.

Here are seven experiences that caused me to question the meaning of my life.

1. At age seven.  I was shot in the arm by mother’s ex-boyfriend while riding in a car.
2. At age ten. I saw a local drug dealer gunned down.
3. At age nineteen. I was robbed at gun point in broad daylight after visiting the library in downtown.
4. At age twenty-one. I attended my seventeen-year-old nephew’s funeral after he was gunned down while walking home from the store. No arrest was made.
5. At age twenty-two. I received a phone call informing me that one of my close friends was murdered during an attempted robbery.
6. At age twenty-three. I attended my thirty-four-year-old cousin’s funeral.
7. At age twenty-four. I received a phone call informing me that another close friend was shot during an attempted robbery.

The violence that I experienced and witnessed as I entered into manhood was the by-product of the suffering endured by Black males throughout history. Unfortunately, experiencing violence is a tragedy that continues to plague Black males and causes many of us to question the significance of our existence.

When asked “How Does a Black Male Determine if His Life is Meaningful?” I remind people that all individuals have a basic need to feel safe and secure. Black males, like others feel that their lives are meaningful when they are protected from violence and receive justice when victimized.

As we all strive to cope with historical and current injustices, we must not forget to address the psychological challenges experienced by Black males. We must provide resources to help them define and give meaning to their lives. To live life without an identity is as harsh as living life without a soul. Knowledge of self and why we exist provides a road map for living our lives and helps shape our souls.

Like many others who have died due to violence and experienced injustice, Trayvon Martin has become the identity of Black males and touched the soul of the Black community. We identify with his plight, pray for his family and will take action to ensure that all Black males are protected from violence. The safety and security needs of our youth must not go unmet.

Trayvon

If you or someone you know is struggling to understand the meaning of a Black male’s significance,  please secure a copy of my book “A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household“.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

6 Messages That Prevent African-Americans from Achieving Emotional and Financial Stability

bwtrainstation

Messages are forms of communication that are transmitted to individuals either in writing, in speeches or in behavior with the intent of informing or advising them to take action. Messages can either be uplifting or destructive. As an individual who was raised in the 70s, I heard messages that were empowering, heart-felt, educational and uplifting. During the 70s and 80s era, I like most African Americans, felt proud to be Black. Through the messages I heard and read, I was challenged to embrace my heritage, examine the moral fabric of my character and strive to advance myself and my community.

Over the course of my childhood and educational journey, I have read hundreds of messages, but the six messages that profoundly shaped my mind-set and behavior as I ventured into adulthood are listed below.

  1. Thurgood Marshall’s “Equality” speech inspired me to Fight for civil rights.
  2. Booker T. Washington’s “Atlanta Comprise” speech inspired me to Advocate for myself and others.
  3. Mary McLeod Bethune’s, “What Does American Democracy Mean to Me?” speech inspired me toValue education.
  4. Madame C.J. Walker’s “I Am A Woman Who Came from the Cotton Fields of the South” speech inspired me to Invest.
  5. Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech inspired me to Dream.
  6. Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” speech inspired me to Excel.

As I reflect on my childhood experience and educational journey, I kneel to God daily and thank Him. I thank Him because my moral and ethical foundation was built on messages that were uplifting and inspiring. Throughout history, African American’s prosperity and growth has been linked to the messages that we embrace. Unfortunately, we are now living in times, where the messages are not so inspiring and uplifting.

Here are six messages that prevent African Americans from achieving emotional and financial stability.

1. Get Yours and Don’t Worry About Others. In this day and age, many Black people place more emphasis on meeting their personal needs than ever before in history. The “Village” concept is a thing of the past as more individuals are doing what is best for them. This is definitely not in line with our ancestors’ legacy of helping others. If our ancestors were self-centered, selfish and lacked consideration for others, the Civil Rights Movement would have never occurred. Individuals like Rosa Parks and Dr. King did what was unpopular and dangerous because they understood the value of doing what is right instead of what is popular. They also understood that emotional prosperity is achieved by helping others. Commitment to yourself will cause you to be by yourself.

2. Experience Is The Best Teacher. Many individuals in the Black community are quick to say, “You cannot tell me anything unless you have gone through what I have been through”. We have a tendency to place a great deal of emphasis on learning through experience. Whether intentionally or not, we often encourage individuals to experience some form of drama or hardship so that they can have creditable testimonies. For most, our experiences lay the foundation for the majority of our learning. While experience is a great learning method, we must be careful not to minimize the importance of learning through study or education. Through my personal experiences, I have learned to recognize my mistakes and through my educational experiences, I have learned to prevent them. Simply put, experience in my opinion is an intervention and education is prevention. In the famous words of Vernon Law, “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives you the test first, the lesson afterwards”. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you do not solely rely on experience or education alone. Balance your life by incorporating both so that you can grow in a healthy manner.

3. Get a Good Job and Work Hard For Others. This message definitely hinders progression in the Black community because many of us are taught to do well in school so that we can get good jobs. We are also taught to value hard work. Personally, I do not believe that there is anything wrong with securing a good job and working hard, but I am mindful that working hard for others will not propel my lifestyle or my loved-ones’ lifestyles to the next level. In my short-time on this earth, I have never met anyone who has acquired wealth by solely working hard for others. In order to build an empire, it is paramount that we seek opportunities to generate some form of passive income. Although Madame C.J. Walker was orphaned, abused and uneducated, she understood that the acquisition of wealth was acquired by working for self. She began her own cosmetic company and later became the First African-American female Millionaire. If you desire to have financial stability in the twenty-first century, you must continue to work hard, but also strive to become financially independent.

4. Psychological Problems Can Be Resolved By Praying and Attending Church. As a devoted Christian, I truly believe in the power of prayer and believe that God is capable of healing the wounded and sick. However, I also believe that church should not be the only place where Blacks seek assistance for psychological distress. On a daily basis, I interact with a large percentage of individuals who are clinically depressed and suffering from anxiety. Many of them could benefit from psychotherapy and psychotropic medication, but are often encouraged to just pray. As an African-American, I understand the financial, social and culture challenges associated with accessing counseling services. However, when confronted with medical problems or sickness many of us do whatever is needed to seek and receive medical care. We do not place our physical health in the hands of our pastor or the church. So after you finish praying get some professional help. If you desire to achieve emotional stability, you must learn to nurture your mind, just like you nurture your body and soul. As the old saying goes, “The Mind is A Terrible Thing to Waste”.

5. Look Good Even If You Do Not Feel Good. This message encourages individuals to purchase material items (clothes, shoes, cars, homes, etc.) in order to cover up their emotional or psychological distress. It also encourages individuals to internalize their problems. As a community of people, we have mastered the art of faking it until we make it. However, by now most of us should have learned that the possession of expensive clothes, shoes or cars will not resolve our internal turmoil or psychological distress. I grew up hearing individuals say, “Looks can kill you”. I used to believe that this was not true, but after years of observing African Americans invest more money into their outwardly appearance than they do in their emotional and physical well-being, I am starting to believe that looks can kill.

6. Support Black Businesses, but Make Sure You Get The Hook-up. Some of us will only patronize each other as long as we are getting the hook-up: “something free or a discount“. I am often told that I have to offer something free or some kind of discount in order to gain the support of African Americans. While this is disturbing, it is somewhat true. How can African American business owners grow our businesses if we are constantly being asked to give away products or perform services for free. I do not have a problem with giving because I believe that Givers Gain and God has blessed me to be able to give. However, I do have a problem with people always looking for the hook-up. Please understand that getting the “hook-up” does not always benefit you because you get what you pay for. Also, please understand that for profit businesses exist to make money and to grow. If we as a people are to achieve financial stability, we must support each other and be willing to pay fair market price for services and products we receive.

As you continue to celebrate Black History Month, please remember that messages have power and often influence behavior. If you desire to achieve emotional and financial stability, please be careful of the kinds of messages you listen to and embrace. Disregard messages that demean your character, reinforce negative stereotypes and stagnate the Black community. You cannot always control what you hear or influence the kinds of messages that are delivered, but you can control how you behave after hearing them. Remember that your belief system is a composite of messages that you have embraced. With this in mind, I strongly recommend that you disregard messages that inhibit your ability to achieve emotional and financial stability. Listen to the right messages and I guarantee you that your life will change for the better.